As I prepare my long, soon out of money journey to the east I look to my undersized single luggage case.
It's hard choosing what to bring for a trip traversing different climates and situations in a limited space.
It's also a good chance to teach myself not to buy unnecessary things when I'm there.
On my way home today I was just thinking of writing something about stage fright.
I have struggled to perform all my life from lack of confidence and preparation, but today and I think there's a different factor.
Aside from having no practise time on the material (I've learned and performed them before already), not sleeping enough for the past 2 weeks, and an empty stomach with no coffee. Of course.
No, it wasn't these usual factors that's within my control that I can later blame myself for.
It's the fact that I am not fitting in artistically.
You know, that sort of feeling when the entire orchestra got lost and the conductor couldn't pull everyone back together for a very, very, very long time.
Then the words of another colleague came to my mind: some musicians don't want to be associated with certain performances or groups because of the quality and integrity of the performance.
I always thought it's the ego talking, but today I really felt it.
So I do know better.
Yet, this is giving me a new kind of stage fright.
The kind where I'm not playing up to par because of frustration.
