Turning of events

Funny and interesting how things change in a month.
Last entry I was in sorrow and ready to shut down, this entry we're engaged and happy.
And yes, the negative memory did resolve.
Sometimes it does flicker but I've learned to let it pass.
Guess I've grown up a little!

I've also learned to trust him more, he is a different person than before.
He's shared things that he won't share with his closest friend, so I should return the trust in him doing what's best for us.

Maybe I won't need this journal anymore.
There isn't much to record.  Days are ordinary, and that's a blessing.

Old scar

I've bottled up my feelings for the past 20 years, letting only a trickle of it out for performing.
In fact, I don't think I've been letting much of it out.
My playing is purely technical and mechanical, recognizing patterns and regurgitating them out.

Tonight I told him that I felt abandoned from years ago.
My hormones are gushing out all over the place, I'm being overwhelmed by insecurities.
That he has came to terms with the past on his own, found his peace.  But I'm still stuck with resentment.

He's looking for a peaceful, happy partner.
I'm still drowning.
I'll need some soul upgrade to get to his level to let it go completely.
Aiming to get to resolution before my birthday.
Looks like I have a week to work on this.

Be gone, the year of 2025!

As I worked at the last number of a collection by Michael, I'm spiraling to a very sad feeling.
A feeling of lost, a feeling of that final connection to his intellect and sentiments.
This last number was an abandoned one, something that the commissioner had put a stop to because there's one too many.  But Michael did manage to finish it and sent me a manuscript before the official halt.
And I've decided to typeset it anyway.
It sounded like a ballad.  On a second trial audio, it sounded almost like Mozart's Lacrimosa.

There has been a lot of deaths in 2025.
And I kept encountering the topic of death and beyond.
I think I'm ready to go when it's my time.
It's just the experience of the past and present that's giving me a sense of sadness... missed opportunities, afraid of expressing my true self, and stupid decisions made.
I really hope 2026 will bring a lot more better prospects and happiness.
Maybe I just need a bit of a break from civilization.

Mentors

Just received an email from Gary recognizing that I'm a n00b in copying.
He sent me some basic fonts and Schirmer's guidelines on fonts.
I'm quite happy that he reached out and willing to give me some pointers to improve on my job.
That's all I can ask for, some professional guidance.

There is literally NO support for a budding copyist to get into the circle.
Each copyist is on their own, and learn by themselves along the way.
Like all scores, you get questioned and corrected, and you have to actively think and analyze what's best for a composer's toiled work to present on paper.
Sure you can buy notation books and refer them when a problem comes.
However, you're always starting fresh every time you get a new manuscript.  Sometimes it's challenging to just start a work.

So!

Soldier on and keep learning!

我真的不適合多於 1 人的行程

身心疲累...
這就是家庭的負擔嗎?
期待可以睡完整 20 小時的 9 月中!

錢! 錢! 錢!

剩下的一些愛慕, 因為拖數最後也把它燃燒成灰燼.
原來我也是個很現實的人.
感情真的勝不了肚子餓.
還好準備了以後一個人過, 填飽一個肚子比較划算.

Life changing things, literally, objects.

Still very taken by the new monitor I've set up, a 32" Samsung curved gaming monitor.
I know from now on all the straight lines I see will be curved, but who cares?
The gaming experience is truly immersive.
And every time I turn on the desktop, it's like I'm now part of my computer, so surreal.
I am a desk person, afterall.

On a related note, now that I sit very long hours in front of a screen, I indeed need to be out more and do some exericing.
Just had my first walk outside in the cold air after a very very very very filling hot pot lunch, and it felt great.
I will definitely do more of that!  Maybe with a toque and scarf next time.